Wednesday, October 15, 2008

To My Internet Stalker (not my real life stalker… you are creepy):

Please don’t ever stop stalking me. I rather enjoy the mysterious conversations we have. I love that you know Latin abbreviations (e.g.: i.e.). It’s really kind of flattering that I have a stalker. Makes me feel loved. I’ve made a list of my perfect guy, and (in my head) you fit into each category. Here’s the list:

he’s funny; he’s smart (…er than me); he speaks English and uses it well; he loves corny movies; he is not an alcoholic or drug addict (pot head acceptable); he wears sandals; he loves the outdoors; he is an auto mechanic (this is so I can own a classic muscle car without having to worry about costly repairs, he could also just be rich); he’s creative and loves art; he’s attractive, but not too attractive; he’s at least 6’; he’s not jealous of my guy friends; he wants to have children one day; he is not married; he’s not... really hairy; he thinks electronic music is the dopest shit ever; he’s geeky; he’s at least a little Irish; his last name goes with “Claire”; he uses words like “esotericism”; he’s a collector of esoterica; and he loves his mother.

If this is not you, lie to me.

I do, however, think that our stalker/stalkee relationship is probably unhealthy.

Thinking fondly of you and waiting patiently for your next stalker comment,



Anonymous said...

i wish i could stalk. but i cant. i just cant.

claires stalker said...


I don't have to lie and quite franklious it would seem that you've been stalking me. It's like you've profiled me right into your heart or some organ not far from that general vicinity. I still can't convince my mother that the human heart is not in the left side of the chest cavity.

I am also a narcissistic Christian which doesn't always work out too well. Wow, I still can't get over how close you've come to who I actually am. It's almost knocked me off my cool....Actually, I'd better go regroup and regain the upper hand I enjoyed so thoroughly yesterday. Not that I need to have the upper hand, I just want to think I have it.

One thing I will say is that I'm not a mechanic. Think nanotechnology and the men who command it.

Talk to you soon and by soon I mean within the hour.

claires other stalker said...

Shit, is there a line already?

p0nk said...

stalkers are NOT fun.

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